Our next step is to, first of all, figure out who withdraws and who pursues, and then move toward the one who withdraws and help them show up more, help them confide deeper feelings. For many years, in my couples counseling I went after the person who was the attacker and the defender—the pursuer, I mean—and trying to soften them and didn’t understand why it wasn’t helping more than it was. When I became exposed to this approach, emotionally focused couples therapy, it helped me understand that what