A QUIET MIND TO SUFFER WITH

Mental Illness, Trauma, and the Death of Christ

JOHN ANDREW BRYANT

A Quiet Mind to Suffer With: Mental Illness, Trauma, and the Death of Christ

Copyright 2023 John Andrew Bryant

Lexham Press, 1313 Commercial St., Bellingham, WA 98225

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Print ISBN 9781683597049

Digital ISBN 9781683597056

Library of Congress Control Number 2023930830

Lexham Editorial: Todd Hains, Jeff Reimer, Mandi Newell, Jessi Strong

Cover Design: Joshua Hunt

CONTENTS

Glossary of Terms

A Prayer in the Wilderness of Mental Illness

Foreword by Kathryn Greene-McCreight

We Proclaim the Mystery of Our Faith: The Word, the Way, and the Amen

Part I: Word and Understanding

Part II: Way and Intention

Part III: Amen and Expectation

Christ Has Died: Out of the Realm of Ceaseless Cognition

Part I: Growing Up and Getting Worse

Part II: Entering the Psych Ward

Part III: Leaving the Psych Ward

Christ Is Risen: In the Wilderness of History and Affliction

Part I: The Wrong Expectation

Part II: The Ordinary Life

Part III: The Swimming

Christ Will Come Again: At the Table with the Howling Boy

Part I: The Bike

Part II: The Cabin

Part III: The Beach

Scripture References

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

THE SIREN: the word for a mental illness, specifically obsessive-compulsive disorder. Also referred to as My Affliction, What’s Wrong, the Bully, the Accuser, and What Should Happen. A word for the mind’s painful, powerful intimidation.

THE REALM OF CEASELESS COGNITION: a term for excessive rumination, the network of compulsions that serve as a way to deal with the Siren. The four primary ones: figuring out, knowing for sure, defending myself, making things right. Also known as the Haunted House.

THE HARDNESS OF THE HEART: a term for my addiction to my dependence on myself. Also referred to as Sin and Life as I Would Have It and What I’ll Do to Be Okay. A blindness we cannot seem to get rid of.

A BODY THAT EXPECTS THE WORLD TO END: another term for trauma. Also referred to as What Could Happen, the way the Past lives in the body. A word for the body’s cringing, crying anticipation.

THE HOWLING BOY: a term for the soul’s anguish, despair, and unbearable dissatisfaction. The Howling Boy is the soul that has suffered History and Affliction, OCD and trauma.

PATIENT, QUIET UNDERSTANDING: a term for humility, and the trust I have in Christ.

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About A Quiet Mind to Suffer with: Mental Illness, Trauma, and the Death of Christ

Suffering has been made holy by Christ’s proximity to it

This is the story of Christ’s nearness to my own suffering—my mental breakdown, my journey to the psych ward, my long, slow, painful recovery—and how Christ will use even our agony and despair to turn us into servants and guests of the mercy offered in his gospel.

We cannot answer suffering. And yet suffering demands an answer. If Jesus is the answer to suffering, what kind of answer is Jesus? Everything that could be taken from a person was taken from him. The worst things a person could be made to see and feel were seen and felt by Christ.

All of this came to a point in the nails driven into his hands and became a word that cannot be unspoken—his body broken and his blood poured out for us. Suffering has been made holy by Christ’s proximity to it.

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